July 2, 2011

At least I tried...

When I was a freshman undergrad I very much liked this boy named Ryan.  We lived in the same dorm and were just down the hall from one another.  There was some initial attraction, within the first weeks, but after school got busy and things got crazy, so there wasn't the same sparks between us.  I also probably made the biggest mistake of my life when I kind of flirted with his friend and roommate.  I don't know why it happened.  I would always go down the hall hoping Ryan was in his room, but instead his roommate was there so I stopped by to hang out and wait for Ryan to return.   There was flirting that happen sometimes, and so it made him believe I was not attracted to him.  

And so as the year went along he developed a crush in another girl.  And he feel hard for this girl.  He told her his feelings and she rejected him (well maybe said not right now, but that sounds like a rejection right?). anyways I kind of lost interest that year.  When sophomore year started I kind of liked Ryan, but filled my life with many classes and clubs as distractions.  And through sophomore year he stilled pined after another girl, and she strung him along.  At some point he decided to try to get over her, and began dating some other girl, and I was so bummed that he would not want to date me who was right in front of him.  

Finally junior year he moved off campus with some friends, and I was going over frequently to try to see him, but he wasn't there often.  Then one day we were all watching a football game and the girl he was pining after was all over him, which was when I learned they had started dating.  After that I couldn't tell him how I felt.  And I never when over to hang out or see him after that.  It wasn't worth it for me.  So I decided to concentrate on my classes and graduated that year.  

I then decided that grad school was right for me.  I applied to my undergrad school and the one near my home.  I did not especially love the school I went to as an undergrad, but my feeling was (and still are) that if I was with him I would stay there for him.  I never thought I would be one of those girls who followed a boy because she loved him, but apparently I am.  And now I can understand when people do that.  I would have stayed to give us a chance together, and I liked him much more than going to school at home. 

So one year of grad school under my belt and I saw him a week ago when I was driving back from Cali and he was driving back to school from his house.  It was a freak thing, something that caught me totally off guard, but at the same time made me completely elated.  So we talked briefly and went our separate ways. 

Then I couldn't stop thinking about him, so I decided I would ask if he wanted to go out with me.  But the whole thing is complicated because his school is two hours away, and I have no real reason to be down there.  I would travel two hours to go on a two hour date with him.  Anyways, so I decide that I will ask him, but through text message because we talk via text sometimes, and I can't ask him in person because he is two hours away and I don't want to drive two hours for a rejection.  During our text conversation I ask if he has a girlfriend.  He says no.  So I say 'If I came down to ------- sometime would you want to go out with me?'  The reply: 'well our friend---- is planning on coming down in a few weeks, so you should come down with him when he comes.'  So I read this and its a screaming NO.  I tell my friend what happened and she said 'at least he still wants to see you.' Yeah right.  She can be naive sometimes, but I think that he did this so that he didn't have to say no flatout and hurt my feelings (he's considerate like that).  

Was texting a good idea? I don't know.  I asked some of my friends and they said I should just go for it if I felt so strongly for him.  So I asked, and now I can say I tried instead of regretting it forever.  But I think I may try again when they have a get together, to maybe show him that I am serious.  This is one things I will not be backing down on.  Maybe I threw it out to him way to out of the blue.  Next time maybe he will see it coming.

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