July 17, 2011

My anxiety

I have five weeks until my second year of grad school begins and I am already freaking out.  I knew I was getting stressed last week because in between my fingers become dry and red and itchy.  They have almost cracked a couple times too.  For some reason last semester at the end of school this happened to me for the first time and it was horrible to try to get rid of.  It spikes up now and again, but it has never been that bad since.  I am also breaking out all over my face, dumb adult acne.  I hate it! School is 5 weeks away and I am already fretting about how it may be, about how much I will hate the classes, about staying at my same job and being really unhappy. 

Sometimes I think I picked the wrong area of study.  I am getting my masters in public administration, which was really interesting as an undergrad and I loved how all the classes related to programs that were geared at helping people and making policy that was implemented to do good.  Well in grad school you do not learn about things like that.  It is all about policy making, and how to manage people, and the skills you need in relation to how to get a program policy to pass.  It is nothing that I wanted.  I really dislike it, but I want to work for a non-profit and be involved in implementing programs to the under-served population.  Plus my schools masters program is aimed at training city managers, who run a city and their budget and blah blah blah.  I don't like that, and it is talked about so much it makes me feel even more like I picked the wrong program.

So I picked the wrong program.  But I do not feel like I can just quite the program.  Its a conundrum I have been dealing with since my second semester.  And I think because it is the summer I have more time to thing about it, and also prepare for it.  I do a lot wondering how bad my classes will be, if I will have group projects, how long the papers are going to be, will I be able to get away with not reading the textbook... It is stressing me out already, and I cannot stand it!!!!

Anyways, thanks for listening. 

1 comment:

  1. Aww. It does sound stressful. And with tuition costs, that would just be another headache on top of it. I am a worrier too, so this post sounds like something I could write if I were in those shoes. I hope this semester is a little better for you.